I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
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On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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