ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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