Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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