He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
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WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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