Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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