I skipped work to stalk him.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize