I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize