Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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