First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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