Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
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My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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