I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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