It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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