Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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