his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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