He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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