Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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