As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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