I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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