I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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