Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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