i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
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The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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