saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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