Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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