In the future we'll all be gay
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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