I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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