Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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