It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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