I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she looked like the before picture.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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