You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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