I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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