I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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