if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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