One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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