Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
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Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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