Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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