my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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