When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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