I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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