My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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