to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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