and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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