I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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