I think I won the penis lottery.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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