I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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