I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
whose parrot is this?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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