I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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