I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
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My liver just had a heart attack.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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