No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize