toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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