I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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